He's a Well-Cared For Dog

My dog Hunter is almost 15 years old. This is very old, especially for a large dog. I've had him since I was in 5th grade, and he's just always been there. My friend Emily recently said, "I can't believe Hunter's going to die," and she said it like she really couldn't believe it. I can't believe it either. I feel he may live forever. Although watch this blog post jinx him. I hope not. If you see my family wearing black for a month, you will know what happened.

My mom asked me to dog sit, but first she had to explain how to prepare Hunter's dinner. She laid out all the ingredients and suggested I take a picture to help me remember.

I've seen Top Chef recipes that had less ingredients. My mom tried to explain all the steps.

Mom: First you measure out 1 and a half tablespoons of this holistic powder. Then, add 4 drops of this and 10 drops of this, followed by 2 pills from this bottle and one from this bottle.

Me: Then, you repeat the incantation...

The Long Arm of the Law

When I moved to the city, I gave my car to my dad. He has primary custody of the Civic now, but I borrow it back on occasion. I hadn't driven in about 3 months, and my first afternoon with the car, I got pulled over in my neighborhood for an illegal turn. I was so clueless - at first I thought the police officer was waving at me, but that wasn't the case.

I sat parked on the side of the street for about 10 minutes, pondering my stupidity while the officer ran my license or whatever it is they do to make you wait. He walked back to the car and asked me why I made that turn during rush hour. I told him I don't usually drive and that I was borrowing my dad's car. Here is the rest of our conversation:

Police Officer: Why don't you have a car?

Me: Because of incidents like this.

Well, he laughed. And I got away with a warning!

What are the chances that the police officer would have the same sense of humor as me? Unbelievable. Thanks, Officer, you are the coolest cop ever!

Indoor Remote Control Helicopters - Sure to Liven Up Any Dinner Party

My friend asked me if I got anything cool for Christmas. "No," I said. "No fun toys or anything?" she asked.

"No."

Then I thought harder. Wait, I got this thing - duh.

How could I forget? My brother and I received two remote-controlled helicopters for Christmas. I have a theory that my mom actually wanted to buy the helicopters for herself, but "gave" them to us kids because it is more socially acceptable. (Although if that was her thinking, it doesn't really hold water because we are both in our twenties).

Anyway they are fun. Watch this dramatic video I shot from my iPhone to see for yourself.

But then this happened.

Tiffany > CVS > 7-Eleven

On December 23, I was in the neighborhood near Tiffany's, so I stopped in to get my broken key necklace repaired. The place was an robin's egg blue disaster zone, with men at every jewelry counter shopping for their loved ones and frantically grabbing all the heart-shaped lockets and key chains they could get their hands on.

Perhaps the place you do your last minute Christmas shopping denotes your social status? For some, it's Tiffany & Co. For my family, it's CVS. At least for my dad - it's a holiday tradition of his. The whole family will be in the car, driving home from Christmas Eve church service and he'll say, "I just need to stop by the CVS for a minute." And we all know what that means. Santa's going to be stocking up on bargain candy and other fine drugstore gifts.

Hey, it could be worse. I also noticed that the parking lot of 7-Eleven was quite busy at 9 p.m. on Christmas eve.

Tung Toos

It's getting to be the holiday season, and I know that everyone is looking for a gift ideas, so let me tell you about a gift that will really get people talking. It's possibly the best gift I have ever received in a swag bag. Three words: Candy. Tongue. Tattoos.

It's pretty much exactly what you imagine it to be - you press the sheet against your tongue for five seconds or so and then you have a tongue tattoo! Also it is sour grape flavor. This might be the biggest candy technology breakthrough of our time.

My particular pack was military themed, which is exactly what you want branded on your tongue, I guess. But there are other choices of Tung Toos - you can personalize them for everyone on your gift list! Maybe something patriotic like an American flag or a football for all those sports fans. You can give them to your great aunt, mother-in-law, priest, etc. and I'm sure they will be thrilled.

I took some to work and made all my coworkers try them out. I am so professional. Even one of my supervisors took some - for his children, supposedly. Maybe this could be like a new thing - instead of taking coffee breaks at work, you could take tongue tattoo breaks. Here's what mine looked like:

It's a fighter jet, can't you tell? Duh! I think something went wrong. There should be a FAQ section on that website - "Why does my tongue tattoo look like a blob?"

My friends and coworkers fared better:

Tank

Helicopter

Battleship

Sorry friends and coworkers, I just put pictures of your tongues on the Internet. But it's not creepy! It's not creepy at all.

OK, it's a little creepy.